fun out of everything

Why do I take the fun out of everything for myself?
It's something that I've done for years. Is it because we're always told to set goals, to achieve?

As a child I was fairly aimless and didn't really have any focus. Then as soon as I left school I seemed to get focus, but with that focus was the idea that I had to become good at something or become very knowledgeable about whatever I was focussed on. Apparently it takes 3000 hours studying something to become an 'expert'.

So, stupidly, when I become interested in something, I look around for 'best practice' approaches. I look for the governing or professional body for that topic. I look around for courses or other educational material. I look for blogs and other free resources online.

Now, how does this relate to this blog? I've always had an interest in nature, but never more so than this year.

Since January I've been dealing with the most destructive episode of depression that I've had in my life so far. I've been signed off since January. I lost my job, my social life, my hobbies, and interest in most things.

Then some how and utterly innocently I started taking photographs of plants. It was amazing. I'd take macro shots and be amazing that there was this beauty that I hadn't seen, even though I'd been looking. Then I started to try to ID plants. I already had this blog; it was more related to camping, but close enough to my new pursuit that I could adapt it to fit. Sometimes the only way I could force myself out of bed was to think of the new flowers I may have the opportunity to take photos of, in the garden or just down the street.

But then, idiotically, I started searching online for things to help me learn more. This in itself isn't a bad thing, but with the way my mind is, it's just not a good idea. I started with lectures available on YouTube from UCBerkeley about Plant Botany. They really are brilliant videos and I've learnt a lot from them. Then I started reading books on the topic. This took a long time as my level of concentration is terrible. Sometimes I'd read a whole page before I needed to rest. These books were interesting, but hard going. Then I decided to do a course with the OU about why people need plants.

It's just all too much. I've ruined my relationship with plants. I truly hope I can get it back. I'm eager to find a way to simplify my mind so that I can take my time with things and not go overboard to needing to feed the appetite for knowledge when I become interested in something. It certainly hasb't helped me get out of this slump. I want to simplify my relationship with plants, back to where it was - just taking photos and identifying plants.

I hope I can get back to that. Because while I appreciate the knowledge I've gained in such a short period of time, it's taken its toll on me. If anyone knows of techniques to help me simplify my mind or relax - to relax would be nice. PLEASE get in touch.

Thanks for reading.

Tim x